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| Pâ•qidꞋ Yi•rᵊmᵊyâhꞋu |
2005.05.17 – Look through any typical pre-marriage counseling material. You’ll find questions that attempt to explore how you will deal with raising children, your employment situation, managing finances and the like. You don’t have to think very deeply to realize that you cannot possibly have any clue how the two of you really will deal with raising children several years from now when you actually face family, work and financial situations you cannot possibly foresee. Every couple is forced to deal with changing and unforeseeable circumstances. The attitudes and approaches that each of you employ to deal with the unforeseen now is a far more insightful indicator of your potential compatibility than imagining an unrealistic ideal scenario and how blissful dealing with that utopian world together will be. No couple ever enters their pre-planned utopian world. However, some couples are suited to complementing each other and working together toward shared goals.
If you have different values or are headed in different directions, however, no amount of love is going to fundamentally change either your basic direction in life or the basic direction of your prospective life-mate (PLM) to prevent an eventual parting of the ways. How you or your PLM think you might change a few years from now is unrealistic and only contributes to unrealistic expectations about a fairy tale marriage that has no connection to the reality of your future marriage. What you both need to focus on is what you are now, how you approach and cope with problems now, what your values and aspirations are now and the like. This will tell you that the two of your are compatible, or not, regardless of what the future holds for you.
Giving tests with scores is ludicrous quackery with no other purpose than to make an incompetent counselor look more professional. Couples may score well on all but one question on such tests. However, it takes two to make a marriage. It takes only one to break a marriage. It also takes many shared elements to make a marriage. However, it takes only one irreconcilable difference to break a marriage, no matter how they scored on tests.
Right now, only the two of you would suffer from a break-up. Several years from now, your children would suffer too – for their entire lives.
The first step in determining the potential of a prospective marriage is to objectively evaluate yourself. If you don’t really know what you bring to a marriage you cannot possibly predict the mix when your PLM is added into the recipe. Considering the following questions and their implications will offer significant insight in assessing what you bring to a marriage.
What are the most important things in your life? — Big wedding? Big diamond? Designer clothes? Big house? Affluent neighborhood? Career? Car? Social position? Money in the bank?
What are the most important values that guide your life? — Philosophy? Science & logic? Social obligations? Money? Integrity? Honesty? Sincerity? Family? Tradition & culture? Nationalism? Politics?
What do you want to do or accomplish in your life? — Career? Family?
What cultural traditions are important to you? — National? Ethnic? Religious?
How many children do you want and how important is their gender? — how much does gender matter?
Have you always thought of home as a desirable place to make nice and spend time or as a staging area to spend time someplace else? — Recreation? Vacation? Time with friends?
Are you primarily oriented homeward or toward friends, social life and community? — How much time do you spend in each? How much money do you spend in each?
Does getting married offer you an escape from your current home life? — Would you be getting married otherwise?
Would you rather be right or accepted by society? — Are you primarily oriented by integrity or feelings of social obligation?
How neat and clean has your room been over the past month? How neat and clean do you expect your home to be? — Is there a gap between reality and your expectations?
What traits and attributes do you want in a mate? — Which does your PLM have and which does your PLM lack? Expecting people to change basic traits is unrealistic. How disappointed do you feel you might be, years from now, that your PLM lacks these?
Would adapting to life with this PLM make me a better person or a worse person? — If the latter, you can’t expect the marriage to be more healthy than its affect on you?
When your sole surviving parent becomes old, will he or she live with you? — Will he or she have authority over your children when you and your spouse are at work? How will that affect your children when your parent becomes senile?
When your PLM’s sole surviving parent becomes old, will he or she live with you and your children? — Will he or she have authority over your children when you and your spouse are at work? How will that affect your children when your parent becomes senile?
Part II will help you assess what your PLM brings to the prospective marriage.
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